Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Guest Post: Stamping him your Future Hubby!

My first Guest Post! *excited* This post was written by a lovely lady Phylicia Masonheimer. She is sharing on some of the dangers we put ourselves as young ladies while we 'claim' to be waiting on the Lord.  
In the wake of the purity and courtship movements, many young Christian women are dedicating their hearts to God and pursuing intentional, God-honoring relationships in lieu of recreational dating. While this pursuit is admirable, there is danger of a pendulum swing. Since relationships and marriage are valued by these girls, it is easy to create an idol out of romance, worshiping at the altar of a man they haven't met. Unreasonable expectations and unrealistic hopes pepper years that could have been much more fruitful. Girls put life, career, and college on hold while they wait for a man to come on the scene - shortchanging the skills and experience they could have brought to a marriage.

How can girls who dedicate to higher standards of love and purity keep their hearts balanced? As a woman who didn't date in high school and is now married to a wonderful man, I see where I made many mistakes. But I also see where God redeemed those mistakes for the beautiful romance my husband gave me. Below are some things I learned, shared with you, per Nontie's request.

When we like a guy, we are in danger of doing three things:

1. We make him an idol.

"All who fashion idols are nothing, and the things they delight in do not profit. Their witnesses neither see nor know, that they may be put to shame. Who fashions a god or casts an idol that is profitable for nothing? Behold, all his companions shall be put to shame, and the craftsmen are only human." (Isaiah 44:9-10)
The craftsmen are only human. We are only human! We don't know the best choice for us. We don't know what a guy is like until we have spent time with him as a friend. Placing him on a pedestal of attention steals attention from the one who really deserves it: our Savior. Making up scenarios in our heads, imagining conversations, and creating false expectations for a relationship with a guy focus our minds on the wrong things. What we focus on is what we worship. Let's keep it Christ.

2. We set up false expectations.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matt. 6:33)
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth." (2 Tim. 2:15)
When we fixate on someone, we make plans that may never come to fruition. It is out of our control. These plans contain the human variable; a person who owes us nothing and can do whatever he wants. Plans centralized in a person will fail, but plans founded on a God who knows the future will bring hope (Jer. 29:11). We should be busy about the plan of God for our lives, to be a worker who is not ashamed of her actions and emotions but is actively serving her Lord.

3. We try to play God's part.
"Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases." (Psalm 115:3)
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2)
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Prov. 16:9)
When we fixate on a person, we in essence tell God, "I've got this! I know this person is the answer to my prayers. I am going to spend my time thinking about him, dreaming about a future, and making tentative plans in case you come through on my terms." We would save ourselves a lot of disappointment if we let God be God. We  plan the broad way we go - dedicating our relationships to the Lord - and still try to establish our own steps to get there. God wants to have both our ways AND our steps along the way. 

There is nothing wrong with having emotions. In fact, it is dangerous to tamp down and ignore the feelings within our hearts - eventually they will come out, sometimes in the worst of ways. We have to be honest with ourselves and with God about our hopes and feelings, commit them to Him, and spend our time not dreaming about a man, but working for our God. 

We have the standard laid out for us. We know what we can be doing - but what if the emotions are still there? What do you do when you like a man in a special way?

1. Do your best NOT to 'like' him.
I know - it sounds ridiculous. You must let him go, not imagine anything with or about him, and not over think what he says or does. This sounds like a high order! Instead, direct your energies to praying about him every day and then pray for your future husband, wherever HE is. Because very likely they aren't the same man!

The reason we need to not like these gents is because we aren't going to be ourselves in this current state of mind. When we are able to let him go - even be content with him liking another girl - only then can we be in a place allowing us to be his friend without being nervous. He will see the real 'you' and can act on it if he chooses.

2. Set him free and focus.

It's not fun to think about relinquishing our perceived control, but it's very freeing once you get to this point. I have found that to make that mental shift from 'liking' someone to 'setting him free' I had to find something else with which to consume my mind.
This was why I poured myself into studying how to manage a home and advance in my career. Instead of focusing on liking him or when you'll see him next, think about who you want to be when you marry your husband. Then make a list of what you  need to do to get there.

The more we focus on cultivating skills, the more ready we will be when God DOES bless us.

3. Invest your talents.

The parable of the talents is a sobering one because it illustrates what many women do with their hearts. I've seen many a young woman wonder why she can't get a quality guy or even get asked on a date, when she has little to nothing to offer a good man in the way of character or skill. It's a sad burial of worthy talent.

Are you burying your talents because you're afraid? Are you afraid of pursuing your dreams because you want a boyfriend so badly? Are you planning your life around a man? This is idolatry, girls, and I know it well. We work for one Man and one only: Jesus Christ. Lucky for us - He's perfect!

You can bury your talents under a crush or you can put them to work, and when the Master comes he will see them and reward you. Someday your husband will praise you for your work and investment. Let your future husband find you busy, and you'll be happier! You won't be waiting for the next time you see a guy you like, or disappointed when he's not interested.  You will be adding skill upon skill that puts you in high demand.

Guys do notice when a girl can do things, and they do think about what they ultimately want in a wife.  It's our job to make sure that when they look, they find it in us!

Finally, your role as future wife and mother is your highest calling and requires the most preparation. Anyone can be trained to work a job. Anyone can go to college and get a degree. When we are developing feelings for a man, we must then develop the skills to support the feelings, or we aren't worth his time.

Self-control begins in our minds. If we can master self-control (with Christ's help) before we are in a relationship, we will have a much easier time when we ARE in a relationship. We must keep our minds fixed on Christ and the role, life, and responsibilities He currently has in front of us. It might be fun to obsess about a guy because your friends say he likes you or your heart jumps at the sight of him - but these obsessions can easily turn into idolatry.  Ask yourself: how disappointed would I be to find out he had a girlfriend? If that question rattles you, it's time to let go of the 'perceived control' and commit him to God in prayer. Rolling him around in your mind will only cause you heartache if the relationship never becomes a reality.

Knowing God is the most rewarding relationship we will ever have, but the devil wants us to believe God is not satisfying. He wants us to focus on human relationships, where we can fail and make mistakes, damage our hearts and become bitter. But when we focus on God first, our human relationships are protected by holiness - and the devil can't have his way! Keep your heart in God's hands where it is safest. He will give it to the right man, at the right time - always. 

God bless.

Adorable picture of
and her dear hubby!

Phylicia Masonheimer
[This post was based off two posts on my site, 'I Like Him. Now What?' and 'Are You My Future Husband?']

This post is linked up at:
The Modest Mom Blog
Woman to Woman Blog


  1. these are really great observations! a lot of truth in those words! visiting from W2W!

  2. wonderful... thank you for the post..Go bless you :)

  3. I love Phylicia's blog! :D

    Thank you for sharing this post--some great points expressed here!.

  4. "When we fixate on someone, we make plans that may never come to fruition. It is out of our control."

    As a girl who one thought I would marry this one person because I was so fixated on him, I can totally relate to this ! In the end, that relationship broke up, (I was heartbroken obviously). I ended up marrying someone totally different and now 3 years into my marriage I am glad that the Lord ordered my steps to my truly amazing husband.

    Thanks for this wonderful guest post Phylicia and thank you Nontie for linking up at Working Christian Mommy :D God bless you today.